Random Acts of Senseless Hunger

Today I'm going to try something a little different. Instead of focusing my energy on one topic I'm going to get into a few different things that are great and some other things that have been bothering me lately. I might even delve into some sweet food that I haven't eaten in a while and will ponder consuming in the coming days.

FUCK THIS BITCH

"Za"-
Apparently people in my general vicinity have begun abbreviating the word "pizza" to the repugnant "za." I am against this in every way shape and form. "Pizza" is not a difficult word to pronounce. It has two syllables, and any moron with the typical amount of chromosomes should be able to pronounce the word correctly. Even if you were the type of person who was unable to speak that easy noun correctly, it would probably be the "za" part giving you trouble. Pee is something that comes out of your body a few times a day and most five year olds say the word on a regular basis. However, associating pee and food is only for the most extreme deviants so obviously this most unnecessary abbreviation went to the other end of the spectrum. If you hear someone say "za" do the rest of the English speaking population a favor and slap them in the face. You know I will.

Not a sandwich?

Open Faced Sandwiches-
I went to dinner tonight and ended up ordering a hot roast beef sandwich. I didn't really know what I was ordering because my judgment was cloudy. I'm not exactly sure what I expected but I know what I got: a small amount of beef on two slices of white bread smothered in gravy. I'm not complaining about the taste because the beef was decent and the gravy was good. I AM complaining about the fact that this is somehow called a sandwich. I am under the impression that you need two slices of bread or two similar pieces of matter with meat or a different piece of matter in the middle. I now present to you the Merriam-Webster definition of a sandwich:

¹sand·wich

Pronunciation:

\ˈsan(d)-ˌwich, ˈsam-; dialect ˈsaŋ-\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich died 1792 English diplomat

Date:

1762

1 a: two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between b: one slice of bread covered with food
2: something resembling a sandwich; especially : composite structural material consisting of layers often of high-strength facings bonded to a low strength central core

There it is, right in front of my stupid face; one slice of bread covered with food equals sandwich. My whole world has been turned upside down. From this point on I completely refuse to eat a sandwich with a fork and knife. Just because some stupid jerk dictionary tells me that is a sandwich does not mean I have to accept it.

The Real

Microwaved bacon. Turkey bacon. Vegetarian bacon.-
FUCK THAT.

Lucky bear

Salmon-
My favorite fish in the whole world. I like salmon cooked any way in any style and even eat it raw. Some of my favorite salmon dishes are sake (salmon sushi), salmon teriyaki, grilled salmon, pan fried salmon with lemon and butter, baked salmon... Any way you could possibly cook salmon is something I would potentially enjoy. I often daydream about what life would be like to live in Washington or some northwestern state and fish for salmon for a living, or at my leisure. I doubt I would make much money if it was my occupation because much of the profits would be consumed, but I think it would be very rewarding.

Wake up. Wake up. It's the first of the month.

In 2004, possibly the most alcoholic year of my life to date, a year before my 21st birthday, I moved into a house in what is known as the 'student ghetto.' It's not that bad of a neighborhood but it is filled with college students and poor families. The streets are covered in trash, on any given night there is a raging party on every block, and there is a pizza place and a bodega on every corner. My block was no different, and my house most certainly accounted for its share of garbage and parties. On the corner was Pine Hills Market, run by Joe and his wife.

Joe and his wife were a lovely couple. Joe would sell me beer underage because he either liked me or liked my regular business, but whatever the case he helped fuel a house which was constantly drinking and eating. We were eating breakfast sandwiches. All the time. Almost every day. My roommates, my friends who were constantly crashing on my couch, and of course my own self.

Sausage, egg and cheese, with hashbrown (think hashbrown patty), salt, pepper, and ketchup on a hard roll. That was the perfect sandwich for the time. It had almost all the ingredients for a good breakfast, it was freshly prepared on the griddle, it was always made with love, it was always handed off with a smile, and it was always heaven on the first bite. Some people may be thinking to themselves, where's the bacon? Well that stayed in the store because I don't like microwaved bacon. You wouldn't microwave a steak would you? No. You wouldn't. And I won't eat microwaved bacon.

All good things must come to an end however, Joe moved to Virginia, I moved uptown into a bigger house with bigger scumbags, and the tradition of hung over breakfast sandwiches was over, but the memory lives on in all our hearts.



In the war between fast food breakfast sandwiches there is one clear winner, McDonald's very own McGriddle. The syrup infused pancake-esque patties on the outside of the sandwich seal the deal and push the sandwich far ahead of the competition. If the McGriddle was a movie character I would compare it with Keyser Soze from the Usual Suspects. Other breakfast sandwiches know of its existence, and fear it. I heard a about a commercial planned for Burger King that involved their very own breakfast sandwich. Unfortunately the commercial had to be canned because of 'complications.'

The plot for the advertisement had the Wopper man, Wopper Jr. boy, and Spicy Chicken Sandwich kid, all on a cross-country trip. Wopper man was to be driving a minivan down a highway with the kids sleeping in back. Wopper man is showing signs of fatigue as the early morning comes and the sun rises. He needs a rest so he pulls over on the side of the road, splashes some water in his face and tries to get himself together. As he goes to pull back onto the road the Burger King breakfast sandwich man is supposed to come out with a cup of coffee to wake him up. It was a cute idea but someone kept killing the actors that were to play breakfast sandwich man. No one knows who committed the murders but I think we all have a good idea a certain competition breakfast sandwich was involved.



Although it is not technically a sandwich and more of a wrap, I still think the Pepperjack's breakfast burrito deserves some mention. Pepperjack's is a sandwich shop a few blocks down from my house in Albany. The breakfast burrito comes with ham, bacon, eggs, cheese, and hash browns in a wrap. I always substitute sausage for ham because canadian bacon just isn't that great. I'm declaring right now that canadian bacon is false breakfast meat and those who claim otherwise shall be tossed into the fire. The breakfast burrito is one of Pepperjack's most popular items and for some reason they will not deliver it, you can only pick it up or eat it there. It's worth the trip for sure.

My new favorite place to get a breakfast sandwich is Cafe 217. I wrote about this lovely place in an earlier entry. I'd like to state again, for the record, that Cafe 217 has perfectly cooked bacon. That is what makes this breakfast sandwich so good. The consistency in the crispiness borderlines OCD, and you have to admire a place that compulsively loves bacon that much. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat, after a horrible nightmare; the cafe closed and was replaced with a Starbucks. I don't know what I would do if a tragedy like this occurred. Though if asked I would have no qualm with becoming a martyr for the cause and taking out the building in that case, because bacon is my god.

BACONMAT. BACONWEAVING. BACONFUTURE.

Last night I did the greatest thing that a man can do. I wove bacon, and then I ate it. The process of weaving bacon is a very simple one. You get a package of bacon, and then you lay the strips down in an interconnecting pattern. If you can't figure it out then you're probably too simple to enjoy the finer things in life, like running your toes through the sand, the smell of fresh mountain air, or a perfectly woven mat of bacon.

Raw weave.

I have never cooked bacon in the oven before and this scared me because I did not want to burn the bacon. I was also fearful that the bacon would not cook similarly throughout. Some of these fears came to fruition in the form of one side that was partially burned (but not ruined) and the middle being a little bit more on the tender side. Mostly the bacon was crispy and delicious though.

Fresh out the oven.

After the bacon was cooled off and some of the grease dripped off I cut the mat into four triangles so that I could share with my friends.

Its baconinny.

I made myself a bacon sandwich. It was the other two triangles (A LOT OF BACON) on two slices of bread. No vegetables. No condiments. Just bacon. Sweet beautiful bacon.

Happiness is a warm...

Yes the bacon mat was a successful endeavor. It tasted great and the smell lingered throughout the house even until the early morning when I left for work. I had a feeling my vegan roommate was going to complain about the wonderful meat smell and I prepared accordingly. I saved a small vial of bacon grease and awaited his arrival. As soon as he walked in the door his head turned green and spun all the way around. He began to speak in vegan tongues that only other homos might understand. Luckily I was ready for such an occasion and showered him with grease exclaiming, "THE POWER OF BACON COMPELS YOU." The vegan was thus banished to his room to eat spinach and brown shit that vaguely resembles sausage.

"The power of bacon compels you."

While the weaving of the bacon mat was perfect the cooking process still needs to be improved to get that perfect crispy texture throughout. Also it is important to figure out a way to cook the bacon without burning a single millimeter of the sacred strips. All in all I would have to say it was a great idea. Not my idea but a great one. As far as I know the original idea is from instructables.com. If you try this at home please be mindful of your bacon and always remember to share with friends.



A few more photos:

Bacon Presentation.

A little rough around the edges.

Taste the future.

Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal

This is kind of a mishmosh post about some stuff I ate this weekend, some stuff I'm going to eat today, and some stuff I wish I was eating. I don't really have anything specific I feel like focusing on beacuse its noon and I'm getting stoned and I'm not feeling too inspired on this Christmas day.

Today almost all the restaurants and grocery stores are closed but Chinese food takeout is still open. I plan on getting some sesame chicken, some wonton soup, and a pork eggroll. I wish I was down in NYC or Long Island so I could eat some decent Jewish deli, or eat better Chinese food but I'm in Albany where any good food is always worse than it should be. When I lived at my parents house in Long Beach, NY we would get Chinese food almost every Christmas and go to the movies, like the rest of the Jews.

Saturday was BBQ day. My friend Greg, who spends his days watching movies, playing video games, and most of all, cooking, came over. We decided to make some ribs and some coleslaw. He was the rib man and I was the slaw man for this endeavor. We went to the store and got the necessary ingredients which was mostly payed for by a gift certificate I got from the EVR secret santa (thanks Buddy).

The ribs were cooked with a dry rub and a sweet BBQ sauce. The coleslaw was my mother's recipe which is probably the best slaw I've ever eaten. I wouldn't normally say anything my mother made is the best anything because it's so cliche (though she is a wonderful cook) but her slaw is perfect. When the ribs came out of the oven about 4 hours later (after a viewing of Big Trouble in Little China) the smell of delicious pork filled my house and basically killed my vegan roommate.

Here's another cliche, the meat on the ribs was falling off the bone. I'm not just saying that to be cute. I put my knife in to cut a rib off and it sliced through like butter and then landed on my plate when I picked up the rib bone. The taste was perfect. We were afraid that the BBQ sauce we used (Jack Daniels Maple Brown Sugar I think) was too sweet but after cooking with the dry rub the sweetness got locked into the meat. Instead of overpowering the pork flavor it created a nice blend with the dry rub. My coleslaw was not as good as my mother's but it was the first time I made it. Next time I think I know what to do to make it better. That was a great meal.

Yesterday I went to Taco Bell to get some grub. It was the shitty TBell on Central Ave. but I figured all the shitty employees would have taken Christmas eve off and only people who were hard workers would be on call that day. I pulled up to the window, ordered a grilled stuft burrito and a christmas gordita crunch. The cute girl who took my order laughed. (Don't you think its weird when attractive people work in fast food?) I was correct in my assumption and my food was prepared correctly and it all tasted great. I was feeling a little sick at the end of my burrito so I threw it out the window of my moving car but luckily I didn't get into an Anchorman-esqe scuffle with a fat actor.



BACON! I made a bunch of bacon yesterday at my house. That was the other half of my gift for secret santa at EVR (thanks again Buddy). It was pretty good but not as good as the bacon that they make at Cafe 217 in Albany. Everything I have gotten at this fine establishment is incredible. You can tell by the presentation and consistency of the taste that they really care about food. Cafe 217 is owned by my friend Brendan's cousin, Susie, who also owns my favorite bar in that area, named Susie's.

I have got to say that this place cooks their bacon perfectly. Each strip is crisp and flavorful and not dried out in the least. I got my usual, a bacon egg and cheese (cheddar) on a hard roll. The homefries were well done, which I love, and the mozzarella sticks I split with my lovely friend Emily were incredible. Most places just buy frozen mozzarella sticks but you can tell that these overstuffed sticks are fresh mozzarella that are breaded and fried on the premesis. Even the tangy marinara sauce tastes fresh.

The food at 217 isn't going to kill your wallet either. Most of the items are between five and eight dollars and the portions are big enough that a normal human (aka not me) will be full. It is a late night/morning eatery and they hold strange hours but that shouldn't stop you from going there. I forgot to mention how nice this place looks inside. I almost feel too scummy when I go there, like I am sullying up the establishment. Anyways, please go there and give Susie your money.

12 1/2 Delaware Avenue (on the corner of Jefferson)
Albany, NY 12210

Phone: (518) 462-0050

Hours:
Closed Monday and Tuesday
Open Wednesday -Sunday
9 p.m. through 2 p.m.

(EDIT: To clear up some confusion, Cafe 217 opens at 9PM and closes the following day at 2PM. It's open all night.)