Taco Bell

This is not Mexican food, this is Taco Bell.

Taco Bell is the best place to go if you want the most delicious and cheapest meal made by the absolute lowest form of human ever to be spawned. Tacos are less than a dollar, they have half pound burritos for under two dollars and the value meals are priced economically for people on a budget. Most of these meals are tasty and all of them come with enough carbonated beverage to last you for a week, plus refills!

The heart of Taco Bell lies in its heartless employees. Each one is more angry, depressed, lazy, ignorant, smart-mouthed, careless, slovenly, negligent, and just plain uglier than the last. These are the ONLY people that work at Taco Bell. Case in point, the Taco Bell at Crossgates Mall in Albany, NY has an employee with a tattoo of a barcode on his forehead. If you order something off the menu without any stipulations you will most likely receive your meal as the Taco Bell gods intended it to be.

However, once you delve into the lactose intolerant, vegetarian, vegan or just plain picky orders 99.99% of TBell employees fall from grace. You will not get your burrito without cheese the first time. You will not get potatoes instead of beef the first time. You will not get a quesadilla without chicken the first time. Oh, did you want a grilled stuft burrito without fiesta salsa? THINK AGAIN JACK. THAT SHITS GONNA HAVE DOUBLE THE SALSA AND THE DRIVE THROUGH OPERATOR IS GONNA HAVE DOUBLE THE ATTITUDE. So unless you're friends with someone that works at taco bell or you're a stubborn ass, just order things the way the employees are trained to make them.

For me, Taco Bell has had three ages. The first age is the Rice Age. During the Rice Age I would order multiple cups of rice with cheese, and a taco or two. If i was feeling crazy I'd get a bean burrito but it was usually rice and cheese, and lots of it. When I worked for a men's touch football league (no homo) we would spend our earnings on TBell and all mine went straight to the rice man. This period lasted roughly from my tenth birthday until I was about thirteen when they took the rice off the menu. It was a sad day. I stopped going to Taco Bell for a while because I quit my job working for the league and there was no taco bell within walking distance to my house.

The second age of Taco Bell is the Dark Age. It was a dark time in my life because I had made the horrible choice to become vegetarian. This lasted five whole years. The most tasteless years of my life, but that is a story for another time. During the Dark Age I would mostly get seven layer burritos, cinnamon twists, and occasionally try to get the mexican pizza without beef but more often than not I would be unsuccessful in that endeavor.

As dark as these times were, there was a spark of light ignited by the Taco Bell research and development team. That spark was the cheesy gordita crunch. Never before have so many unique flavors and consistencies melted together to create the perfect fast food item. If a double decker taco and a grande soft taco took turns raping a baja gordita, its delicious bastard child would be the cheesy gordita crunch. Unfortunately for me, I was still a veggie-fool and could not get the full CGC experience.

One other notable event happened during the Dark Age: the merger. Taco Bell merged with Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut. Soon combined restaurants started popping up all over the place. TBell/KFC is my favorite; the ability to get a cheesy gordita crunch, potato wedges, and a biscuit all on the same tray is revolutionary. TBell/Pizza Hut is less good but has those breadsticks which is nothing to scoff at.

Flash back to the winter of 2003. This is the beginning of the golden age, the Taco Bell Age of Reason. I had finally begun to eat meat again, (at a furious pace) and went from skinny monkey boy to rotund mountain man in a matter of months. I would convince anyone and everyone to drive me to Taco Bell and eat as many cheesy gordita crunches as I could afford. The real ones, not substituted with beans. The way that god intended them to be: with zesty baja sauce and all.

The Age of Reason has brought many other wonderful items into our lives. The grilled stuft burrito is probably the best burrito Taco Bell has to offer, with the new cheesy beefy melt burrito in a close second, and the half pound beef and potato burrito not far behind. Another great item which borrows a lot of ideas from the cheesy gordita crunch but is implemented totally differently is the crunchwrap supreme. I was enjoying these for a moment but the novelty wore off rather quickly. Other wonderful items that have popped up in the last few years include cheesy fiesta potatoes, spicy chicken soft taco, and the caramel apple empanada for desert.

The most important date during the Age of Reason, a date that brought us what we all wanted, free tacos. Free Taco Day was October 30, 2007. During the 2007 Major League Baseball World Series there was a promotion that if any player were to steal a base in any game Taco Bell would give each American one free beef taco. One player stole a base, Tacoby Bellsbury. As a rookie on my most hated team I was conflicted at first but I realized that free taco's are more important that rivalries. I think one day we can all set our differences aside and enjoy free taco's together.





For anyone that lives in Albany or plans on visiting the capital district region I will give a quick rundown of the Taco Bell locations I have been to and a star rating:

Wolf Rd. in Colonie ***
Latham ***
Troy near HVCC ***
Crossgates Mall **1/2
Central Ave. in Albany *1/2
Delaware Ave. in Albany 1/2

None of these places deserve a four star rating, but if I ever found one that did I'd be there for every TBell experience.

I usually get one of two orders when I go to Taco Bell these days. If I'm not very hungry I will get a grilled stuft burrito and a cheesy gordita crunch. If I'm more hungry I will get a T3 (three taco supremes) sometimes hard, sometimes soft depending on my mood, and a cheesy gordita crunch. I always eat my cheesy gordita crunch first otherwise the melting cheese will soften up the taco shell and it won't be crunchy at all.

Honestly, if you go to Taco Bell and you don't get a cheesy gordita crunch then why did you go to Taco Bell in the first place? It makes no sense. It's the same as going to a football game and playing gameboy. It is embarrassing. I urge you, get a cheesy gordita crunch. Get five if you can afford it, even if you can't finished them all. This holiday season give the gift of greatness. Give a cheesy gordita crunch.