The Cardinal Sins of Pizza (Part 1)

GOOD VS. EVIL


The best pizza ever comes from New York City. Down there you can walk into almost any random pizza shop and get one of the best slices you've ever had. The farther away from NYC you get the worse the pizza is. Pizza is pretty good on Long Island, in Westchester county, and in parts of New Jersey, but beyond that a major decline in the quality of pizza, and pizza culture in general.

Up here in Albany, NY the pizza is fucking awful. Some of these places try to pass off the most disgusting slop as pizza. The number one offender is Mild Wally's. This place used to have a great deal where after 11pm a slice of cheese pizza (if you can call it that) was 50 cents and you could get two for a dollar. I would get drunk off 40s of Old E and walk down from my dorm (my second year of college) or my friends apartment which was around the street, and buy a slice or two because I had no job and it was cheap food.

Mild Wally's, where the sidewalk is strewn with half eaten slices and paper plates. Mild Wally's, where anyone who has actually lived in the capital district region for more than a few years refuses to eat. Mild Wally's where the delivery men spend more time standing outside smoking cigarettes than delivering food. Mild Wally's where on any given night your pizza will be a slimy, sloppy, soupy, running, tasteless glob of shitty ingredients not cooked long enough for any normal human to enjoy. Mild Wally's: the home of shitty pizza.

This is the first cardinal sin of pizza: a crust that is not crispy.
A crust without crisp is like a bike without wheels. It's useless and it makes small children cry. How is one supposed to enjoy their pizza when it is flopping downwards and dripping the cheesy contents onto your plate/floor/pants? Sometimes I dream about a pizza vigilante that goes around murdering the owners of these establishments and starting grease fires in the kitchens of pizza offenders. If this combination of the Punisher and the food snob inside me were to exist it would probably start at Mild Wally's.

(This is part one of a multi-part series about crimes against pizza and human taste buds in general. It's time we all did our part to improve pizza culture and stop supporting these shithole pizzerias.)